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W.C. Fields Quotes

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.

(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."

George, my dear friend, your source is impeccable. It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore. However, I'm not drinking any less either.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful. Contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

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