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Steven Wright Quotes


I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.


I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.


My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


If God dropped acid, would he see people?


I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?


What a nice night for an evening.


I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.


I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.


It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.


Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.


My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.


What's another word for Thesaurus?


I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.


I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.


I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."


When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.


You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.


I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!


I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.


Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.


I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.


If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."


Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.


I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.



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