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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I tell ya, I'm in bad shape. I joined a weight-lifting class. They started me with balloons.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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