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Rita Rudner Quotes


Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.


I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.


The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.


In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.


Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.


My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.


I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.


I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.


To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."


We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.


Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.


Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.


I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.


They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.


Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.


It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.


I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.


A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.


When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.


I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.


Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?


My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.


The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.



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