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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

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Cheeky Quotes

Carl McCrosky's Photos

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Stephen Leacock