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Joan Rivers Quotes

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked; but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.

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Cheeky Quotes

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A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor