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Henny Youngman Quotes


My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.


You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.


What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.


I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.


Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.


I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.


My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.


I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.


You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.


If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.


If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.


I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.



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