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Groucho Marx Quotes

I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

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Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

Gloria Steinem

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