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George Carlin Quotes

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

What year did Jesus think it was?

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

"When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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