Click on a quote to send it to twitter
More Quotes »

Emo Philips Quotes


I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."


I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."


I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.


I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" I said, "Ah, yes and no."


I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."


I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.


The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."


Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.


New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.


I'm a great lover, I'll bet.


You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.


Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"


I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"


I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.


When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.


People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll... reproduce.


My girldfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."


People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.



Click on a quote to send it to twitter
More Quotes »