Click on a quote to send it to twitter
More Quotes »

Demetri Martin Quotes

Share

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "If you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.


"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."


I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.


I don't like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news... I'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest."


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


I think batteries are the most dramatic object of all the objects because other things they stop working or they break. But batteries... they die.


I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone."


I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."


A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude make a left." "Those are trees... " "Trust me."


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.


I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside."


When someone asks you the question, "Are you ticklish", it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like "I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish".



Click on a quote to send it to twitter
More Quotes »