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Dave Barry Quotes


Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.


Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.


We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.


Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.


People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.


If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.


Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.


What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.


The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.


Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.


Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?


You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.


Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.


Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.


Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.


The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.


A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.


Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.


We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.


If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'


Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.


If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.


Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.



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