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A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I think politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

No animals were used in testing this product... only stupid humans.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

Jesus loves you but I'm his favorite.

I'm never on schedule, but always on time.

I started at the bottom and it's been downhill ever since.

I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.

I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.

Forget the Joneses... I can't keep up with the Simpsons.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

Your lack of planning is not my emergency.

I have one nerve left and your getting on it.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose.

It must be hard lugging around that enormous brain of yours.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

If you are going to be blue, be bright blue!

You always find things in the last place you look... unless you're stund enough to keep looking after you find them.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I Love My Country It's The Government I'm Afraid Of!

I'd far rather be happy than right.

Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

I'd explain it to you but I'm afraid your head might explode.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

Some people hear voices... Some see invisible people... Others have no imagination whatsoever.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I'm happy to finally be in shape... round is a shape right?

Salad is what my dinner eats for dinner.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Well, by all means, illuminate me. (Sarcastic and a little odd... illuminate is used instead of enlighten.)

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

We have found that it's much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Yes, but wouldn't you rather I owed you $200.00? (When asked if he didn't already owe $100.00.)

Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove.

We're all brothers and sisters, we just have different mothers and fathers.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I have one speed and this is it.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. (Muffler shop motto.)

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

This is our new and improved system - it just doesn't work as well as the old one.

Do I look like a frigging people person?

You should be glad your diamond is not a carat... that would be an awful price to pay for a vegetable.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

If you don't drop in, smile as you go by. (Sign on Green's department store, Placentia NL.)

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Exercise can help you save money. Today I walked home behind the bus and saved $2.00; tomorrow I'm gonna jog home behind a taxi and save $10.00.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.

You need to learn to accept imperfection... and I can help you with that.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want your tows. (Towing company motto.)

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

The great thing about object-oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.

I used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.

I run like a girl. Try to keep up.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

We repair what your husband fixed. (Plumbing company motto.)

Go away! (Sign on a travel agency.)

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Learn from your parents' mistakes; use birth control.

I can't talk to you right now... I'm busy sorting m&m's... alphabetically.

She was drop dead gorgeous... like my wife... but in a different way.

We're a non-profit company. It didn't start out that way but it happened.

I believe you but thousands wouldn't.

I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.

My wife says I never listen to her (or something like that).

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.

I used to jog 5 miles a day... then I found a short cut.

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