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I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?" I said, "Ah, yes and no."

Emo Philips

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Red Skelton

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

Josh Billings

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Dave Barry

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Franklin P. Jones

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Cheeky Quotes

Photos from Northern Norway

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

Demetri Martin